After giving birth i found out that it was true what people said. When you become a mother you experience a whole different love than anything else. It was a love so pure, so tender that it hurt inside of you to be away from your child. I experienced it every time i went to work. I yearned to be with my daughter. To hold her, to feed her. To kiss her little chubby cheeks. She was simply an adorable child.
Before i sang her to sleep, it was always Robi that gave her her goodnight bottle. For some reason i hadn't been able to produce breast milk so we had to use infant formula.
Kaylin moved in with her new boyfriend Jase.
Meanwhile i took care of both Kala and Skylar, while Robi worked his butt off to provide for his family.
Slowly, but noticeably, a distance grew between Robi and I. He worked all the time and when he came home he spend his time playing chess or practicing his charisma in front of the mirror. The only person he seemed to have any time for was his daughter. Though i appreciated that he still made time for her, i wish he had more time for me as well. This carried on for four years, until i fell pregnant again. I told him one morning before he went to work. He was very excited to have a little baby again.
"I love you honey," he said as he hugged me.
As he went to shower, Nicolas didn't know he was in there and so he walked in on Robi embarrassing them both.
Nicolas had been quite unlucky lately. He had been telling bad jokes at work, making him come home embarrassed every day. He even got rejected when proposing to his girlfriend Rosa Bryan.
When i came home from the store later that day, a note was on the kitchen table saying how he loved us all but that he didn't have a place in our world. That he was sorry that he had to put us through this, but that we should remember him as someone who loved us all dearly.
Fear crept through me as i read the last sentence: "I'm sorry, but it is for the best." I dropped the note as i ran through the house calling out his name. Finally i found him in his bedroom. He was lying on the ground with a bloody knife next to him, blood flowing from his neck. He had slit his own throat.
Robi arrived home twenty minutes later to find me crying hard while lying next to Nic's motionless body. He pulled at me. I tried to resist him pulling at my arm, but i was so weak from crying that i couldn't and just accepted that he wanted me to stand. "There is nothing you can do honey. He's gone." He said and hugged me tight. For a long time we just stood there while i cried silently into his chest. After a while he steered me up the stairs and put me into bed.
"I'm gonna take care of this honey. You get some rest," and he kissed me on my forehead and walked downstairs again.
Later he told me that he had called Kala on her cell phone and told her that she should take Skylar out for ice cream after school and then go to the park and he would call her again when they could come home. He then called 911. The police and an ambulance and a doctor had arrived to our house and he had given an explanation that i had found him when i came home and that i was now in bed and was too weak to speak to anybody.
The doctor examined Nic's body and confirmed that he was dead almost instantly.
After Nic had been taken away in the ambulance, Robi had cleaned up in the bedroom, washing the floor and locking the door. He then called the girls to tell them to come home.
"Mommy? Mommy?" Skylar tried to wake me up. "Mommy dinner is ready. Daddy made Franks and Beans." She shook me a little hard and i slowly woke up a little more.
"That sounds great honey," I said sleepily. I had slept almost all day, but i was still tired and weak. I put on my robe and walked downstairs into the kitchen. A slightly burnt smell reached my nostrils, but i didn't complain. I was starving. All i had had that day was eggs and bacon for breakfast six o'clock that morning. It was now 9 Pm. They were all gathered around the table, waiting for me to join them.
"Mmm this smells amazing," I lied. I didn't want to hurt his feelings as i knew he had worked hard all day.
"Mommy is it true that Uncle Nic has died?" Skylar asked, looking at me with her innocent brown eyes.
I looked up at Robi to seek help, but he looked just as helpless as I felt.
I turned to Skylar: "Yes honey, it's true. But your Uncle Nic is at a much more peaceful place now. He has always been a bit troubled but now he has finally found peace. It was wrong what he did, but that's just how the world is sometimes." I secretly wished myself a thousand miles away at that moment. I wish i had never had to explain something like this to my children. I saw Kala as my own daughter as she basically didn't have a mother herself. Kaylin still hadn't made an appearance or an effort to have contact with Kala.
"So Uncle Nic killed himself to find peace? Does that mean Kala should do the same so she doesn't get bullied anymore?"
"NO! God no! That's not what i meant at all! Honey, what Uncle Nic did was a very bad thing. You should never kill yourself for any reason at all. See how much it hurts us now? How do you think you would feel if someone else you cared about did the same thing he did? It's not nice. It's a selfish act that hurts the people who care about you. So don't you ever think about doing it ever again. Or that someone you know should do it!" I knew i had been too tough on her when she started crying, but i needed her to know it was not okay. I would die if one of my kids did what Nic had done.
"I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just need you to understand, okay?" I said sweetly, but she just kept crying, cuddling with her dad.
Robi looked at me reproachful, saying to his daughter that it was alright. That Mommy wasn't mad at her.
"Of course i'm not mad at you sweety. Nor at you Kala." I smiled at her.
"Why on earth would you be mad at me? she said defensive and left the table without touching her food. It seemed like i could do nothing right.
At night Skylar would crawl up in her bed and cry herself to sleep.
"We have to tell her," I said one night as Robi and I laid in bed together. He put down his book he had been reading and looked at me.
"I think you're right. The school is teaching her all sorts of things these days, we can't have her brain filled with this nonsense."
"We'll do it tomorrow morning, before she goes to school."
"Oh i forgot to tell you, i have an important meeting at work tomorrow morning. I have to leave at 6 AM.
"Already? Can't you get out of it?"
"I'm sorry but there is nothing i can do. You know how important work is to me." He said firmly.
"More important than your family?" I was starting to raise my voice again, but he just calmly replied.
"Of course not sweetheart. But you do want food on our table, right? Which means i have to work. You can do this yourself. It's not that difficult."
"But she should hear it from both of us. It would make the statement stronger if we did it together. Then she could see that it isn't just my opinion but yours too!"
"Then maybe you should wait until i get back from work. What does a couple hours mean anyway?"
"It's not the hours, but school. I don't want the school to teach her nonsense. Do you really want to raise your child to be a Christian? She's obviously scared out of her mind! Her teacher even said that she has been drawing pictures of what she thinks Satan looks like. Is that normal to you?" I was really starting to anger up. I was now standing next to the bed, ready to storm out.
"He really said that? Hm, you should just talk to him about what they are teaching these kids. Maybe they could take her out of religion class so she isn't taught this stuff."
"That's not the point!" I yelled at him. "She has to learn about religions to be well educated, i just don't want our little child to think she will burn in hell! She needs to know that Atheism is the right path to go!"
"You have to stop!" He stood up as well. "I am getting so sick of you yelling at me every time we have a discussion. Why can't we just sit down and talk about this?"
"Because you obviously care more about your job than about your family! You have a responsibility here!"
"I am taking responsibility! Open your eyes! I'm working my butt off to support this family, while you are at home eating chips and watching television all day!"
I opened my mouth in horror of what he were saying.
"I happen to paint most of my day and when you get home i'm all done and then i will sit in front of the television to relax! I'm preparing pieces to bring in to work when my maternity leave is over! How dare you accuse me of just laying around all the time? I'm no couch potato!" I stormed out of the bedroom as fast as i could with my swollen belly, grabbed my shoes and jacket and went for an angry walk.
I needed to cool off. I walked through the park, down to the water. I sat on a bench watching the fountain out in the water spew water out in a circle. I looked back, expecting to see Robi following me, but it was completely quiet. I didn't know if i should be happy that he respected my need to be alone, or angry for him not wanting to make up immediately.
My thoughts turned to my Mother. I still missed her a lot. I wish i could have her back. When she was alive she was my rock. The one thing keeping me calm at difficult times and she just had a loving demeanor.
I thought about how wonderful it would feel to be a child again and walk in the park without my shoes on.
Hmm... maybe... well it couldn't hurt.
I promptly took off my shoes and felt the grass in between my toes. Ahh that was nice.
The water was so beautiful to watch here late at night. The moonlight shone on the surface like it was silver and the coolness of the air felt good on my skin. A wind blew through my hair as i bent down to tie my shoes again.
I had tried contacting Kaylin to tell her about Nic, but as i didn't have her phone number nor her address, it wasn't easy. I decided to take a different approach. I contacted one of her friends, whom we had went to school with. I still had her number and so i told her what had happened and she promised to tell Kaylin.
We had finally told Skylar about how we believed that God did not exist and nor did Satan as we did not believe there were heaven nor hell.
She was a bit confused because we had buried her Uncle Nic and there God and heaven had been mentioned. I explained that that was just how you did a funeral and that it didn't mean anything to us. We still believed that Nic had found peace as he didn't feel anything anymore. We told her that she should not fear hell or the anger of God because it simply did not exist, in our beliefs.
We taught her to be open to people with any religion. She didn't have to shun them just because they didn't believe the same as her.
She seemed to understand it a bit more and said she was glad she now knew the truth. She seemed a lot happier as well and started playing with her friends again. She also accepted my approaches again and didn't mind me reading her goodnight stories anymore.
Kala had been told about the beliefs of Atheism a long time ago by Kaylin so she already knew these things. She believed them as well, so there were no convincing her otherwise when she heard about various religions in school.
Soon life went back to normal again. Everyone was happy and content with the exception for me. It seemed that the slightest comment from Robi would send me into rage. I didn't understand it and i always felt bad after yelling at him. It created a gap between us. I just hoped it would disappear as soon as i had given birth. I was sure it was just those damn hormones again. It had to be. What else could it possibly be?
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